


If I Loved You

by Jellykyun



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bottom Choi San, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Top Jeong Yunho, but happy ending eventually, i like sad and awful shit, im a bitch, not sure yet - Freeform, probably not happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:15:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29005896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jellykyun/pseuds/Jellykyun
Summary: Choi San did one good deed for a stranger and now he had seven weirdos texting him and trying to include him in their lives. Was this friendship? Was he supposed to feel all warm and uncomfortable every time that one tall one smiled at him? San wasn't all that sure. The only thing he was sure of was that befriending these dance majors was a terrible, terrible idea.
Relationships: Choi Jongho/Song Mingi, Choi San/Jeong Yunho, Jung Wooyoung/Kang Yeosang, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 16
Kudos: 104





	1. Chapter 1

“I uh, I was just, uh.” 

“I’m waiting.” 

San recognized the voice of the night security guard. Rounding the corner, he realized Mr. Song was staring down a nervous young man with violet hair. Poor kid was practically shaking, probably searching for a reason to not get in trouble for trespassing. San decided to take pity on him. 

“He’s with me Mr. Song!” 

Mr. Song’s demeanor softened as he realized it was San approaching them. He offered the young man a smile and a greeting. “Evening San. You don’t usually keep friends around.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. We were supposed to meet some friends so he’s here to make sure I don’t forget and stay too long,” San lied effortlessly, slinging an arm around the unknown boy’s shoulders. It helped that he was leaving much earlier than he normally would. 

“I see. Well, I’ll let you two get going then.” Mr. Song turned stern again when he looked at the stranger. “Don’t wander the halls next time Wooyoung. San knows where he’s allowed to be.”

“Have a good night Mr. Song!” 

San quickly steered the other boy away and out the exit. He didn’t fight it either, releasing a heavy sigh of relief when the studio doors finally shut behind them. 

Chuckling, San released the boy and asked, “What did you forget?”

“Huh?” 

“Inside. What did you forget? Thats why you’re here after hours isn’t it?”

The young man looked at him suspiciously now asking, “How’d you know that?”

“Lots of people break into the studios at night because they forget things. I can’t imagine you’re here for anything else.” 

“Oh. Yeah, you’re right,” the stranger conceded. “My dumb ass friend forgot his charger during practice and wouldn’t stop whining about it. I didn’t think it would be such an issue to just walk in.” 

“Yeah, at night you have to sign in and stay in your area.” 

San wasn’t really interested anymore if he was being honest. He’d done his good deed for the day and now he wanted to go home and take a nice, hot bath. His body hurt everywhere, probably because he was pushing it way too hard, and the longer he stood in the chilly night air the worse it felt. That said, it was time to go home. He hadn’t left early for nothing. 

“See you around then, Wooyoung,” San said, recalling the name Mr. Song had used for him. 

“Wait!” Wooyoung hastily whipped out his phone and shoved it in San’s face. “Can I have your number?” 

Startled, San asked, “Why?” 

“I’m assuming you’re a dance major, right?” 

San nodded hesitantly. 

“Cool. You should be in our group chat. I’m collecting dance majors,” Wooyoung said as if that were a completely normal sentence. 

Maybe it was the deep exhaustion in San’s bones suddenly hitting, but he didn’t feel like fighting the kid. He just sighed and took the phone, plugging in his number, and then giving it back with the silent promise to block the next number that texts him. 

Wooyoung grinned at him. “Thanks, San. Talk to you later!” 

With that, Wooyoung bounced away, and yes, San meant bounced. The timidity had quickly fled his body and been replaced with an energy San didn’t have the time for. Not giving it another thought, San started the long walk home. His left ankle was killing him. It’s possible he pushed a little too hard this time, not that he was going to admit that to anyone. 

He continued to ignore the various aches and pains in his body as he pushed into his dorm room. It was a single, thank god, which meant San could drop his bag right by the door and just beeline for the shower. A few minutes under the warm stream made things a little better. San let out a content sigh when he finally slipped into a pair of sweatpants and collapsed onto his bed. 

Abstenmindedly, he checked his phone. Generally no one texted San. He had lots of acquaintances, but no real friends that checked up on him or anything. It had been that way for a while. To his surprise though, San found messages waiting for him. He’d already forgotten about Wooyoung’s promise of adding him to a group chat, but clearly Wooyoung hadn’t. 

**Wooyoung’s left testicle.**

Huh. That was quite the name for a group chat. Should he just block it right now? After a moment of contemplation, San decided it couldn’t hurt to see the actual messages. 

**x-xx-xxx-xxxx  
**

new number? 

**x-xx-xx-xxxx  
**

who’s the victim this time?

**x-xx-xxx-xxx  
**

shut up  
no ones a victim  
y’all love me  
also his name is San  
the hot boy who saved me from suspension 

**x-xx-xxx-xxxx  
**

hi San I’m Seonghwa 

**x-xx-xxx-xxx  
**

I’m wooyoung obvi  
every1 introduce ur selves 

**x-xxx-xxxx-xx  
**

Mingi hi 

**x-xx-xx-xxxx  
**

Jongho 

**Wooyoung  
**

u guys suck at this  
just shut up  
xxxx is Hongjoong  
xxx is Yeosang  
xxxxx is Yunho 

**Yeosang  
**

welcome to hell 

**Yunho  
**

San  
that sounds familiar  
dance major I assume?

**Wooyoung  
**

he is 

**Yunho  
**

I think I know him 

**Hongjoong  
**

I def know him

**Wooyoung  
**

explain 

**San  
**

we took intro together  
two years ago

**Wooyoung  
**

SAN!  
hi 

**Hongjoong  
**

i remember you ur really good

Maybe San was blushing. Nobody was there to see it, so did it really count? He vaguely remembered Hongjoong from his freshman year too. The other was already a sophomore, but he’d just transferred into the program and was lumped in with the freshman. The other one, Yunho, didn’t ring a bell. 

**San  
**

thanks  
you were pretty good yourself 

**Yunho  
**

San  
you were the guy who did the midterm alone weren’t you 

**San  
**

ha ha yeah that was me 

**Jongho  
**

hold up hold up that’s an option? 

**Seonghwa  
**

no  
jongho you already have a partner 

**Jongho  
**

thanks mom but i wasn’t talking to you  
San  
new buddy  
how do I get to do my midterm project alone 

**Mingi  
**

does this mean we have three antisocial losers now 

**Seonghwa  
**

Mingi stop calling them losers 

**San  
**

u need special permission 

**Jongho  
**

damn 

Should he do it? San had a lot of sway in the dance program. He knew that if he’d been forced to do his midterm with someone else it wouldn’t have gone nearly as well. As a freshman, San had been even worse at working with people than he was now. He was too controlling. Choreographing with a partner would’ve been a nightmare. 

Still, did he want to offer to help a complete stranger? It had been a while since he’d made any friends. Maybe it couldn’t hurt to try again. Not everyone could be the worst right? San must have been way too tired tonight considering he texted the group chat back before he could even think about it. What was he doing? 

**San  
**

who’s ur teacher and what’s ur full name 

**Yeosang  
**

please don’t give a stranger your full name 

**Jongho  
**

Choi Jongho  
Professor Lee 

**San  
**

Taemin or Taeyong

**Jongho  
**

Taemin 

**San  
**

ok 

**Wooyoung  
**

see it was a good idea to add him 

**Yeosang  
**

you should stop adding random people you think are hot 

**Wooyoung  
**

why  
it’s worked out this far 

**Jongho  
**

is that what you call this? 

San shut his phone. His social meter for the night was out and his ankle was throbbing more than when he’d been standing on it. With a sigh, San dragged himself to the kitchen for an ice pack. He’d get up a little earlier tomorrow and stop by Professor Lee’s room for the stranger. There was no doubt in his mind that he could convince Taemin to let the kid do his midterm solo. He loved San. 

Ice burning into his ankle and muscles protesting every tense of his body, San laid back and decided it was time to try and sleep. If he was honest, he hadn’t slept in forty eight hours, too consumed with learning the choreography his professor had demanded they perform on Monday. San was too much of a perfectionist. It was just never enough for him. Never good enough. 

**Mingi  
**

did i miss the new guy  
i did  
damn 

**Hongjoong  
**

oh good you’re back  
did you get our dinner yet

**Mingi  
**

yes hyung  
dinner is coming 

**Wooyoung  
**

dinner!!!!! 

**Seonghwa  
**

Mingi i’m parked in front of the grocery store 

**Mingi  
**

i see u 

**Jongho  
**

surprised wooyoung didn’t invite his new friend to dinner 

**Wooyoung  
**

i thought about it but tbh i barely got his number  
didn’t want to push it 

**Hongjoong  
**

valid  
i don’t remember san being very social 

**Yunho  
**

i talked to him once  
he corrected my form  
that’s it 

**Yeosang  
**

wait  
this is choi san isn’t it 

**Hongjoong  
**

i think so 

**Yeosang  
**

huh 

**Wooyoung  
**

what huh 

**Yeosang  
**

just huh 

**Mingi  
**

i wanna know what huh 

**Wooyoung  
**

same ): 

**Yeosang  
**

he just has a reputation 

**Mingi  
**

yeosang 

**Yeosang  
**

yes? 

**Mingi  
**

you’re literally the worst 

**Yunho  
**

I know what he means  
San has a reputation  
he’s a snob or a perfectionist or like rude depending on who u ask 

**Seonghwa  
**

he’s literally in this chat ?  
don’t talk about him 

**Yeosang  
**

I’m sure he knows about his reputation hyung 

**Hongjoong  
**

is seonghwa texting and driving? 

It was the first thing San saw when he woke up in the morning and needless to say, it didn’t put him in a great mood. He’d set an alarm specifically so he’d have enough time to help that Jongho kid out, and what did he come back to? More people who talk about him like he’s not there. He had half a mind to just go back to sleep and forgo talking to Taemin, but the ache in his body wouldn’t let him. 

Grumpy and tired, San begrudgingly rose and started his day. His ankle was still being a bitch, but at least it didn’t threaten to give way the second he stood like it had the day before. He went about his day as if it wasn’t even there. Aside from his somewhat gloomy mood, there was nothing particularly different about San’s day until noon when the group chat he’d almost left awoke. 

**Jongho  
**

San is my favorite hyung  
fuck all the rest of you 

**Wooyoung  
**

Jongho why! I buy you alcohol 

**Hongjoong  
**

you do? 

**Wooyoung  
**

uh  
no? 

**Seonghwa  
**

I though i was ur favorite 

**Jongho  
**

no  
guess whose doing his midterm solo  
this motherfucker 

**Mingi  
**

yo really? 

**Jongho  
**

San  
whenever you read this  
I would die for you 

**San  
**

no problem kid  
do good though  
i vouched for you

**Jongho  
**

I won’t let you down 

**Yeosang  
**

congrats jongho  
you’ve used a stranger to your advantage  
you’re well on your way to becoming Wooyoung 

**San  
**

lol? 

**Jongho  
**

how can i thank you  
i hated my partner 

**San  
**

don’t worry about it 

**Yunho  
**

buy him lunch 

**San  
**

seriously don’t worry about it 

**Jongho  
**

meet us at the caf hyung!!  
i’m buying you lunch!! 

**Mingi  
**

anyone else creeped out by Jongho being nice 

**Jongho  
**

shut up tooth pick 

**San  
**

it’s cool Jongho  
I usually skip lunch anyway 

**Seonghwa  
**

oh no  
that won’t do  
meet us at 1 

**San  
**

no really it’s ok

**Wooyoung  
**

yunho will come get u and walk w u  
he has class rn too

**San  
**

u guys aren’t going to let this go huh 

**Jongho  
**

nope 

**Wooyoung  
**

nope 

**Seonghwa  
**

nope 

**Yeosang  
**

you shouldn’t have told Seonghwa you skip lunch lol 

**Yunho  
**

see u at 12 smth Sannie (: 

What had San gotten himself into this time? Also, who the hell was Yunho?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven’t written fanfiction in years lmao how did i get here and why is it always kpop i come back to? anyway if it sucks im sorry i’m out of fanfic practice and also like idk if u read the tags but i’m a dark bitch this ain’t gonna be all fun and games

**wooyoung’s left testicle**

**Mingi  
**

this just in  
I’m in love 

**Wooyoung  
**

that’s gay

**Mingi  
**

i didn’t even say it was a man yet

**Wooyoung  
**

i felt it  
i can taste gay in the air 

**Yeosang  
**

it’s the taco guy  
he gave mingi a free taco

**Mingi  
**

yes he did  
and i will be leaving to devote my life to him 

**Wooyoung  
**

i get it 

**Seonghwa  
**

what about your boyfriend mingi 

**Mingi  
**

right  
my boyfriend  
where is he 

**Jongho  
**

let me guess  
you’re leaving me for the taco guy

**Mingi  
**

actually i’d like the taco guy to join our relationship 

**Jongho  
**

is he going to cook us dinner 

**Mingi  
**

tacos whenever we want babe 

**Jongho  
**

i’m open to it

**Yeosang  
**

hey  
i hate it here

**Seonghwa  
**

not to be a downer  
but you know which chat you’re texting right? 

**Mingi  
**

shiiiiiiiiit 

**Wooyoung  
**

wdym? 

**Seonghwa  
**

do u know how san feels about gays

**Wooyoung  
**

oh shit no i don’t 

**Jongho  
**

i mean  
we are out aren’t we ?  
i def tell people 

**Mingi  
**

ok yeah  
we r out 

**San  
**

none of my business 

**Wooyoung  
**

HI SAN 

**Mingi  
**

u don’t care?  
ur not gonna like bully us or sm shit 

**San  
**

no lol that’s a lot of effort  
i don’t care who you sleep w

San left it at that, too busy with his own practice to worry about whatever the dance major chat was talking about. He’d kind of known they weren’t straight already anyway. When they’d forced him to eat lunch with them two days ago, Mingi had basically always had one hand on Jongho’s ass which wasn’t exactly what San called friendly. It made sense to him that they were in a relationship. 

If San was honest, he didn’t think any one of them was straight from the way they spoke to each other. For the past two days, he’d more been observing than participating in the chat, and his observation was that these people were kind of nuts. The good kind though. They were close friends, clearly, the kind San could only dream of considering no one has ever really cared about him beyond what they could use him for. It gave him more of that pesky hope he’d felt the first night. 

So far they didn’t seem to hate him. Jongho hadn’t asked him for any more favors and all anyone seemed to want from him was conversation which was nice. Seonghwa had also taken to texting him a few times a day to see if he’d eaten to which San usually lied or pretended he missed it. Yeosang didn’t seem to like him very much but Wooyoung swore he’d warm up to San in a little bit, so maybe that was fine. All in all, it was going well. 

There was just one problem. Yunho. Jeong Yunho who was in the class across the hall and stopped by sometimes to see if San needed anything even though he’d only known him for three days. Well, no, that wasn’t quite right. When Yunho had come to get him for lunch that day, San had realized he did know a Yunho. Yunho was the tall, sweet, soft, talented boy from his first year hip hop class who walked in on San crying in the practice room during a breakdown. 

If Yunho remembered that, he was doing a fantastic job of not bringing it up and San hoped to God he’d continue to do that. He hadn’t cried in front of someone since, like, third grade, and the memory of breaking down in front of a stranger had him glowing red every time sweet Yunho spoke to him. It was awkward as hell for San to talk to the guy, but he liked the others, so for the sake of maybe not living and dying alone, he was trying to move past the bad experience. 

**Yunho  
**

Dinner?  
what’s for dinner?  
can we have dinner?

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Of course San would come back when Yunho popped on. Somehow it felt like he always did. 

**Mingi  
**

not it 

**Jongho  
**

not it

**Wooyoung  
**

not it

**Hongjoong  
**

not it

**Seonghwa  
**

shut up i’ll get it 

**Yeosang  
**

great because I was not going to 

**Seonghwa  
**

someone has to come and help me carry it 

**Wooyoung  
**

yikes nose goes 

**Seonghwa  
**

no  
i’m at the studios  
leaving in 5  
whoever is at the dorms will come 

**Mingi  
**

omg take san w u  
u want him to eat anyway don’t u

**San  
**

sorry what am i being volunteered for 

**Mingi  
**

dinner pick up  
we do dinner tuesday and thursday  
you’re at the studio already so u should go with seonghwa  
and come to dinner 

**Wooyoung  
**

makes sense to me 

**San  
**

i didn’t plan on leaving any time soon 

**Seonghwa  
**

it’s already 7:30 san u need rest  
even if u don’t come with me to get dinner i’m gonna stop by and take you home  
pack up 

**San  
**

huh??  
i am  
a grown man ?

**Seonghwa  
**

a grown man who is going home  
don’t care who’s home it is but you’re not staying here 

San contemplated this for a bit. Technically, he didn’t have anything he really needed to be practicing for, he just liked working himself to death to escape the ever growing dread he felt at having to wake up in the morning. It was a pretty simple thing to understand. Either he was working, or he was thinking, and thinking was fucking awful. Never before had he been presented with this new third option. Dinner. He didn’t hate the idea of dinner. 

**San  
**

what’s for dinner 

**Wooyoung  
**

SANS COMING TO DINNER 

**San  
**

i didn’t say that  
i just asked what ur getting 

**Seonghwa  
**

chinese 

**San  
**

ok

**Seonghwa  
**

ok? 

**San  
**

i’ll pack up and meet you at the front desk 

San didn’t give himself the time to overthink it. He shut his phone and went about gathering his practice stuff. He really should’ve kept track of the group chat though. Maybe then he would’ve been a little more prepared. 

**Yunho  
**

hyung! 

**Hongjoong  
**

me? 

**Yunho  
**

no 

**Yeosang  
**

ha 

**Hongjoong  
**

it’s never me ):

**Yunho  
**

I love you joong  
i did mean seonghwa tho 

**Seonghwa  
**

yes tall child 

**Yunho  
**

u have room for another ?  
i’m at the studios too

**Seonghwa  
**

sure but you’ll have to help w the food 

**Yunho  
**

that’s fine!  
beats walking home 

**Jongho  
**

will u stop and get cups 

**Seonghwa  
**

no

**Jongho  
**

what why  
we need cups 

**Seonghwa  
**

we aren’t eating at your dorm tonight??? 

**Jongho  
**

... ok and?  
we still need cups 

**Yunho  
**

we’ll get you cups 

**Jongho  
**

sweet thanks 

San read this back in the dark of Seonghwa’s car, grateful that the night hid his heated face. Yunho was sitting in the front seat- because he was massive- and all San could think about was how fucking embarrassed he still was about the practice room incident. He knew he was being ridiculous. Yunho clearly didn’t care about it, and it was almost two whole years ago for gods sake, but San just couldn’t move past it. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to look at Yunho without thinking about the boy holding him and whispering sweet, calming things into his ear. 

Shit, San was blushing again. How fucking embarrassing. He was usually a lot better at composing himself, but having only seen Yunho once during a very vulnerable moment, he was suddenly not so good anymore. Maybe dinner was a bad idea after all. They probably didn’t even like him. Wooyoung was overly friendly with everyone and why would such a close group of friends want to invite in some weird loner like him when they-

“Did you finish the order?” 

San jumped a bit, remembering that he was supposed to be submitting the chinese food order on the app on Seonghwa’s phone. Quickly, he submitted it, sliding back the iphone to the elder. “Yeah. Sorry about that.” 

Seonghwa hummed in response clearly not bothered. San wondered how he wasn’t suffocating on awkwardness like San was. 

“You’re twenty one right?” Yunho asked out of the blue causing San to shrink into his seat. He didn’t know why he hadn’t expected Yunho to speak to him. 

“Yeah. You?” he returned out of politeness. 

“Also twenty one. Most of us are except the old men and Jongho.” 

“I’m not old,” Seonghwa argued. 

“How old are you, hyung?”

San bit back a snort when Seonghwa said, “twenty three.” 

“See what I mean?” Yunho teased. “Old.” 

“How old is Jongho?” San asked quietly. 

“nineteen.” 

“I thought he was twenty?”

“No. Wait. Is he?” 

San listened as the two half argued half wondered aloud about Jongho’s age. He was happy to have the attention off him, honestly. Kids from school used to call him an attention whore, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. The last thing San wanted was for people to be looking at him, or talking about him, or even thinking about him because he knew they were never thinking anything good. He’d learned that lesson forever ago. Not that there were no good people in the world, just that good people didn’t pay attention to people like San. 

Except maybe Jeong Yunho who was laughing so loudly at some mumbled joke from his elder. The jury was still out on whether the other dance majors were good people or not, but San was pretty sure he already knew that Yunho was. Bad people didn’t see a freshman clawing at his skin in a practice room and pull him into their lap. Bad people didn’t do him the curtesy of not bringing it up around other people when it would have easily damaged San’s reputation and made people treat him differently. Bad people didn’t do things Jeong Yunho did. 

**Hongjoong  
**

dinner 

**Wooyoung  
**

what he said 

**Jongho  
**

open ur door u dramatic motherfucker 

**Hongjoong  
**

no  
i don’t like your tone 

**Mingi  
**

one sec babe i’m playing mario kart 

**Jongho  
**

oh great i’m never getting in

**Yeosang  
**

i’ve got it 

**Wooyoung  
**

i’m bringing booze 

**Yeosang  
**

why 

**Wooyoung  
**

to get drunk? duh

**Hongjoong  
**

bring juice too 

**Wooyoung  
**

no  
you can’t have a mimosa 

**Hongjoong  
**

i can’t have whatever i want 

**Yunho  
**

we got cups  
coming up 

San stood patiently as Seonghwa knocked on the dorm door. He wasn’t sure whose dorm he was stood outside of, but it was fairly close to his, so that was fine. Was he a little nervous to go into someone else’s dorm? Sure. Maybe, but it wasn’t like it was his first time ever being invited into someone else’s dorm to just like hang out with them. 

Except it was. 

If San wasn’t holding two bags of take out he would’ve been nervously picking at his hands. A bad habit, but honestly one of his less destructive ones. At least Hongjoong opened the door before Seonghwa or Yunho could notice the chinese bags trembling (because it was totally the food and it was hot or whatever San was still thinking up an excuse). He followed Yunho into the dorm, placing his share of the takeout down on the counter where Jongho was waiting. 

“Fuck yes,” the boy practically moaned. “I’m so hungry. I could eat this all myself.” 

“Don’t!” 

Jongho rolled his eyes at the shout which came from one of the two boys playing mario kart in the bed. San wasn’t sure which one. He wasn’t great with voices yet, but if he had to take a guess it was probably Mingi. Yeosang didn’t seem like the type to say dumb shit like that. Or the type to listen to random things Jongho was saying across the room. 

“Hey, San.” 

Hongjoong was a nice guy. He was about two inches shorter than San with bright blue hair. San admired his bravery dying his hair like that, although he was hardly alone in it. Wooyoung, Mingi, even Yeosang all sported some unnatural color that San couldn’t dream of rocking. People stared enough without him trying to stand out. 

“Wooyoung’s here!” That was the other voice from mario kart land. Probably Yeosang, San thought. 

Hongjoong shouted, “It’s open,” thoroughly distracted by cracking open every takeout box in search of his. 

He and Jongho were practically fighting over them which got worse once Wooyoung entered the mix. He barely spared San a glance, going straight for the food and loudly arguing when Jongho refused to immediately hand it over. San just stood back and watched. He was pretty hungry himself what with the skipping most meals, but these boys scared him. He didn’t know how to jump in and insert himself, so he just awkwardly hovered at the edge, waiting his turn. This is how lunch had been too. 

“You’re so not what people say you are.” 

San jumped, whipping around to face an amused Yunho. When had he gotten so close and why was he even looking at San when there were so many more things to focus on? It made San very uncomfortable. 

“Is that a compliment?” he asked. 

Yunho’s smile grew as he shrugged. “I think it is. What did you get? I’ll wrestle your food from Wooyoung.” 

“Oh you don’t have to.”

“Who the hell got honey garlic chicken?” Wooyoung exclaimed at that moment, drawing San’s attention to his food. 

“Give it here, Woo,” Yunho came to his rescue. “We don’t judge you for the amount of egg rolls you consume.” 

“We should,” Yeosang muttered, joining the fray. 

“Egg rolls are divine. Take the honey chicken and go away Heathen.” 

Yunho shook his head, taking the box with San’s dinner and stacking it on his own. San trailed after him like a lost puppy as Yunho led him to the floor in front of the TV. He settled himself down, setting up San’s takeout right beside his own and happily patting the spot beside him. What was San supposed to do? Say no? He hesitantly lowered himself behind the man who made him feel more awkward than ever and tried to will himself to disappear. Curse Jeong Yunho for not just being a bad person. He would’ve been easier to deal with that way.  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> triggering content ahead wee woo wee woo

San was exhausted. A new level of exhausted, to be clear, because really he was always exhausted nowadays. Today was somehow worse though, maybe because he’d had two projects overlap this week killing his appetite and his sleep schedule. He’d finally finished both performances and trudged home at two- the earliest in months- collapsing into his bed and bursting into tears. 

Now, San didn’t cry often. He’d been raised to believe emotions weren’t something he should have and definitely not something to share, so any time he felt something, he simply ignored it. This led to regular breakdowns in which the negativity of the earlier weeks finally piles too high and San devolves into a little ball of useless in his room for a bit. It felt fucking awful though. His head hurt, and his chest hurt, and his throat hurt and just everything hurt all the time and San was tired. 

He hadn’t picked up his phone all week either. He didn’t have a good grip on himself right now and he didn’t want to risk letting his new friends see that. Sure Yunho ignored it the first time, but that didn’t mean he’d ignore it again. For all San knew the group would take one look at the mess he was right now and laugh, leaving him to suffer embarrassment as well as every other negative emotion he could currently think of the name of. 

Instead of reaching out, San continued to cry by himself, something he was all too familiar with. Funny enough, Yunho was literally the only person that had ever comforted San during a breakdown. He'd cried in front of people before, but not people who cared. Not people who knelt beside him in concern and held him tightly enough that he finally felt like he was pulling back together. That was a big reason why the experience haunted him so much. Something like that had never happened before.

It would probably never happen again either, he thought miserably. It was days like this that made San wonder why he was even alive. He was so rarely happy, and when he was, it was in the brief, heavy breaths of a performance. Positivity was so fleeting in his life. Why did he even bother extending it? It would be so easy to just call it all off and sleep forever.

_Meow._

The cat. For the first time since he’d collapsed, San lifted his head, just high enough to spot the top of his cats little ears. That’s why he was still alive. He remembered it now, as she hopped up and wormed her way into his embrace. San was still alive because the cat needed to be fed and no one else was going to feed her. 

She’d been his cat for almost four years now, Aly. He’d found her his freshman year, desperately meowing for food at the door of his freshman dorm building. She was so ugly, and so ignored, San couldn’t help but see himself. He’d begged for years for the same things she did. Cried for affection, and safety, and just the basic needs of a person only to watch everyone walk right by him. They heard the pleading, they just didn’t care. 

San cared. He’d pulled his sleeves down over his hands and gently gathered the kitten into his arms. She’d been so compliant, so sweet, clearly pleased to finally have a bit of what she’d been begging for. He’d bathed the little thing in the sink and tried to set her up a little bed in the corner, but Aly had had none of that. She’d cemented her place in his bed on day one, and now, years later, she still slept soundly beside his head every night.

Her full name was Alieve as in the pain medication. San thought it was funny, plus it allowed for the nickname Aly cat staying true to her street rat roots. She was his guardian angel. Days like today, San needed the weight on his chest. He needed a second heartbeat to remind him that something was keeping him here. Aly needed him. Not to mention, she’d have no idea what happened to him if he died. To her, he’d just be another dumb human who’d abandoned her. San couldn’t handle the thought. 

An hour with his cat reminded San that he could breathe. He still felt like shit, but he wasn’t crying anymore, and the air was freely flowing back into his lungs. His face felt gross and sticky, and he knew he’d need a tea for the pain in his throat, but for now, San started with sitting up and taking a sip of water. Another moment, and he even found the energy to reach for his phone. For what? he wasn’t sure, but he was still young, and his instinct was to have his phone in hand. 

**Wooyoung’s left testicle**

**Wooyoung  
**

can we go now?

**Seonghwa  
**

no wooyoung 

**Wooyoung  
**

why not  
i tried calling him  
like seven times 

**Seonghwa  
**

if san is busy he’s busy 

**Wooyoung  
**

but he hasn’t been over since dinner hyung  
that’s like  
10 days already 

**Yeosang  
**

maybe he’s dead 

**Yunho  
**

Yeosang wtf 

**Yeosang  
**

what?  
obviously he’s not dead  
we’d have heard about it 

San had quickly realized they were talking about him, and he couldn’t help but think Yeosang was wrong. They wouldn’t know if he was dead. Not for a few days at least. He’d thought about it a lot. 

**Wooyoung  
**

ughhh he literally lives in hongjoong’s dorm  
i say we send hyung to go check on him 

**Hongjoong  
**

wooyoung we barely know the kid  
give him space 

**Mingi  
**

every time i’ve checked out a studio this week his name was on the list so he’s probably just busy

**Wooyoung  
**

so no one else is worried about radio silence from San  
that’s just me ?

**Yunho  
**

not just you 

**Wooyoung  
**

thank god  
a man with morals  
Yunho let’s go to Hongjoong’s dorm 

**Yunho  
**

ok i am worried  
but no  
let’s not do that 

**Wooyoung  
**

WHY NOT  
ID DO IT TO YOU 

**Yeosang  
**

Wooyoung we’ve known you for a year minimum  
you’ve known san for approximately three weeks  
you can’t barge into his dorm yet 

**Wooyoung  
**

fine  
but i am going to keep calling him

Jesus. Wooyoung had called forty seven times over the last week. What was wrong with that kid? San noticed pretty early that he was a clingy guy, but seriously? There was no reason he should care about San that much. 

**Yunho  
**

san is a private guy woo  
you know that  
i don’t think he’d appreciate us intruding like that 

**Jongho  
**

I was gone for 20 mins and Wooyoung knows where San lives 

**Wooyoung  
**

excuse u  
i’ve known where he lived since sunday 

**Jongho  
**

that’s so fucking weird 

**Wooyoung  
**

it is not!  
he said it 

**Yeosang  
**

he said it to Yunho  
quietly  
during a movie 

**Wooyoung  
**

literally not the point 

**Jongho  
**

starting to really worry abt Mingi and the taco guy tbh 

**Yeosang  
**

you should  
they were talking about kids the other day 

**Jongho  
**

dear god  
he’s going to leave me cuz i don’t want kids 

**Mingi  
**

what  
jongho no  
we’ve talked about this bby 

**Jongho  
**

shut up don’t get serious in the gc  
i was joking 

**Mingi  
**

): ily tho

**Jongho  
**

i know  
now stop 

**Hongjoong  
**

idk why he dates you  
i’m on team taco guy 

**Yeosang  
**

tbh... 

**Jongho  
**

I know where both of you sleep  
i can bench you Yeosang 

**Yeosang  
**

wow  
i’m shaking 

**Wooyoung  
**

Yeosang please  
He’s going to actually fight you one day 

**Yeosang  
**

terrified. 

**Jongho  
**

watch your fucking back 

**Yeosang  
**

try me bitch 

San had to admit, it was kind of helping, reading the group chat. Once they moved on from taking about him it was sort of cathartic. Was this what having friends was like? Just pleasant- or innocently rude- banter. San felt a spike of jealousy until he realized he was fully capable of texting them back. He toyed with the idea for a moment, settling on a safe hey text when he figured texting couldn’t hurt him. The replies came flooding instantly. 

**Wooyoung  
**

SAN  
OH MY GOD  
I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD 

It was one of those things that was funny in a very not funny way. To San, at least. 

**Yunho  
**

hey san 

**Yeosang  
**

thank god Woo was getting annoying 

**Hongjoong  
**

getting? 

**Mingi  
**

hi San! 

**Jongho  
**

glad ur not dead 

**San  
**

yeah sorry  
got busy 

**Seonghwa  
**

i’m afraid to ask if you’ve been taking care of yourself 

**Wooyoung  
**

I CALLED U LIEK 100 TIMES  
U COULDNT ANSWER 1 TIKE  
NOT ONCE????

San bit his lip, guilt settling in his stomach. It was starting to sink in that Wooyoung had been legitimately worried about him and that he could’ve easily solved that with a simple text. It was hard though. San had had a horrible, suffocating week. A simple text was too much. Thinking was too much, but he couldn’t very well tell them that. Not that what he sent went over much better. 

**San  
**

sorry Wooyoung  
i’m not really used to having people check on me it slipped my mind  
i don’t keep my phone on me when i get busy 

**Wooyoung  
**

that is  
ok  
ok i forgive you 

**Yeosang  
**

yikes 

San didn’t like how often Yeosang made him feel like he’d done something wrong. Did he? Should he have said something else? 

**Yeosang  
**

you should get used to it

Oh. That was, kind of nice? Yeosang didn’t really say much to San so it was hard to discern when he was being nice, but that seemed nice. 

**San  
**

I’ll try

**Yunho  
**

what were u busy with 

**San  
**

performance for hip hop and then midterm for fundamentals of ballet

**Hongjoong  
**

you take ballet? 

**San  
**

yeah  
it’s good for building strength and technique 

**Hongjoong  
**

huh tbh i’ve always thought it was cool but i hear it’s really hard to learn later in life 

**San  
**

it definitely helps to start young  
i started in elementary but i quit in hs so it’s basically like starting all over  
if you’re not already flexible it’ll give your joints some trouble 

**Hongjoong  
**

so don’t start ballet then  
got it  
i was thinking of picking up a music production minor anyway  
wouldn’t have the time for technique like that  
do you like it tho? 

**San  
**

ballet is wonderful  
the discipline of it keeps me sane 

**Mingi  
**

u only say a lot when it’s about dancing  
did u know that 

San did know that. It was basically his only personality trait because it was the only thing he was confident in. He killed himself to be good at dancing, he knew it was something he could talk about and not worry. Still, he was sure it got annoying.

**San  
**

sorry  
i’ll stop 

**Seonghwa  
**

mingi 

**Wooyoung  
**

shut up Mingi 

**Jongho  
**

Mingi shut up 

**Yunho  
**

please don’t stop  
I love talking about dancing 

San knew Yunho had a reputation around the school as well. Through acquaintances, San had learned that the man to beat was Jeong Yunho. He was perfection. He was what San wanted to be. He was the one person San couldn’t confidently talk about dancing with because Yunho was just better than him. He was so much better than San. 

**San  
**

yeah  
i have to shower so brb 

**Wooyoung  
**

at least he told us he was leaving this time 

**Seonghwa  
**

you’re impossible wooyoung 

**Wooyoung  
**

i’m incredible 

San managed to get into the shower, but his strength didn’t last very long. He could tell he’d pushed too hard this week by the way his legs melted beneath him, landing him unceremoniously on the shower floor. San was too tired to fight with them. He stayed on the floor, knees pulled to his chest, eyes closed against the steady stream of hot water. It wasn’t the best for cleaning, but it was the best San could do today, and that would have to be enough. 

He forced himself out after the water had run cold. It took him a few minutes to even notice, so distracted by the thoughts in his head, but eventually his shivering alerted him to the fact that it was time to get out. Honestly, even getting dressed was too much. San slipped into a hoodie and boxers, but that was about it. It didn’t matter anyway. The only person who was going to see him was Aly and Aly had jumped into the shower with him on numerous occasions. She was weird like that. 

He did feel marginally better now. Better enough to contemplate ordering food, in fact. San really didn’t know if he’d eaten this week. He assumed he had since he wasn’t in the hospital yet, but he didn’t really remember doing it. Depressive weeks were like that sometimes. It all just blurred together. He was hungry now, though. Really hungry. Not get up and walk somewhere hungry, but hungry. Maybe Sunmi noona would bring him something if he asked nicely. 

**San  
**

Noona will u bring me lunch I honestly don’t remember if I ate yesterday 

Sunmi was a nice woman. They weren’t really friends so much as she was one of his mentors and someone who expressed genuine care about him more than a single time. He didn’t really like asking her for things, but he knew that if he ever really needed something, Sunmi would get it for him. She was lovely like that. She’d sort of adopted the whole ballet department before graduating so it wasn’t like he was the only one who asked her for favors either.

**Wooyoung  
**

which one of us is noona 👀

**Mingi  
**

bet it’s Seonghwa 

**Seonghwa  
**

excuse me 

Oh. He forgot he had the group chat up again. San really needed to stop forgetting about that. He was definitely going to send them more wrong texts if he didn’t remember. 

**San  
**

oh sorry  
wasn’t for you  
I forgot I had this open i don’t usually text anyone else lol 

**Wooyoung  
**

san  
you’re precious you know that 

San flushed, confused as to what he said to trigger that response from Wooyoung. He chalked it up to the boy’s flirty personality. 

**Yunho  
**

what do you want to eat  
we’re at wendy’s 

**San  
**

what no it’s okay Sunmi will bring me something on her way home from work 

**Yunho  
**

when is that 

**San  
**

i think she gets off at 6 

**Yunho  
**

absolutely not  
what do you want from wendy’s 

**Yeosang  
**

lol when will u learn san  
u can’t tell these motherfuckers anything they will baby the shit out of you 

**Yunho  
**

he literally said he didn’t eat yesterday  
i have a right to be concerned smh 

**Seonghwa  
**

i am also concerned 

**Mingi  
**

if u don’t want wendy’s i can get u a taco 

**Jongho  
**

we* can get u a taco  
i am also here 

**San  
**

I guess some wendy’s fries are fine if you don’t mind 

**Yunho  
**

and? 

**San  
**

and what 

**Yunho  
**

you need more than fries 

**San  
**

i’m not all that hungry 

**Yunho  
**

jesus christ how are u alive 

**San  
**

idk what that means 

**Yunho  
**

it means people need food to live  
we’re bringing u nuggets  
u want sauce? 

**San  
**

bbq? 

**Yunho  
**

ok b there soon 

Yunho was way too nice for his own good. San couldn’t help but wonder how many people had taken advantage of it. He was sure there were at least a handful because that’s how people were. They were terrible and they preyed on the good in people like Yunho. San didn’t know how to tell the man that he shouldn’t waste his kindness on San. He didn’t think that would go over very well either. 

**Hongjoong  
**

yo stalker  
what’s Sans dorm 

**Wooyoung  
**

lol 218B  
shouldn’t Yunho remember 

**Yunho  
**

i am a simple man with a simple mind 

**Wooyoung  
**

riiiight  
so you’re stupid 

**Yunho  
**

do u think he’ll answer if i call him 

**Wooyoung  
**

try it 

San did not answer. He was too busy trying to get out of bed and into a pair of sweatpants. Or shorts at least. Something so when he answered the door his new friends knew he had pants on. It was hard though. He was so tired and sore. The dresser seemed like it was a million miles away and he’d barely managed to slip the pants on when there was a knock at his door. It was an aggressive knock too, which honestly scared the shit out of San. That had to be Hongjoong. 

“Good afternoon, small child. We have food for you.” 

It was Hongjoong, grinning up at him and brandishing a greasy wendy’s bag. It was something San wouldn’t normally eat so maybe it perked his mood up a bit. 

“Thank you,” he squeaked out, only now remember his breakdown had desecrated his throat earlier. Awkwardly he apologized, “Sorry. I need to make some tea.” 

“Are you sick?” Yunho was quick to ask, voice dripping with concern. 

“No. I promise, just tired and need some tea. I’m okay.” 

That was a fucking lie and maybe they knew it too because both young men hesitated in his doorway. It made San feel extra awkward because what? Was he supposed to invite them in? He hadn’t cleaned in a while, he didn’t want guests. He just wanted french fries. 

“Well uh,” Hongjoong obviously felt the awkwardness too. “Hope that’s enough for you. You really should eat better San. It’s not good for your body to go through so much strain without fuel.” 

“I know. I just forget.” 

“We can remind you,” Yunho assured him. “I’m sure Seonghwa already does.”

San chuckled softly. “Yes, he does.” 

“Good. Then eat better. I expect improvement,” Hongjoong scolded him. “And come to dinner on Tuesday so Wooyoung will shut up. He gets whiny when people don’t do what he wants.” 

“I’ll be there,” San confirmed despite being incredibly unsure of where his mental state would be in two days, and honestly, he really hoped it would be true. 


	4. Chapter 4

San kind of liked having friends. He was still warming up to the idea of seeing them in person, but over the last two weeks, he’d sort of gotten used to the presence of seven other boys in his life. Wooyoung in particular messaged him every ten minutes for various random reasons like seeing a dog, or trying new snacks from the vending machine. He’d taken a liking to San, and maybe San had taken a liking back. Wooyoung was nice to have around. His incessant chattering almost managed to block out the voices in San’s head.

Maybe that’s why San had traded some of his night practices for hanging with Wooyoung. The other boy lived in the dorm across the breezeway, but San never minded a quick walk, and Wooyoung had no problem letting him stay the night even though they were still practically strangers. San figured this was only abnormal to him. Other people probably didn’t worry about what acquaintances would do to them if they fell asleep. That was probably just a him thing. 

It was nice though, aside from noticing how strange he was when compared to Wooyoung. It was very nice to have a friend. Today, Wooyoung had called him over only to sit upside down on his couch staring silently at the wall. San was a little concerned. He usually wasn’t quiet for more than a minute and it had already been like three since San had gotten there. Clearly something was wrong, but what was he supposed to say though? San wasn’t used to being the one doing the comforting. 

“Why is Yeosang stupid?”

San blinked in surprise. He didn’t know what he’d expected Wooyoung to say but it wasn’t that. Thankfully, the younger boy didn’t need prompting to continue. 

“I tell him how pretty he is daily. I buy him lunch, dinner, anything he wants. We have a date night every Friday. I tell him I’m only interested in dating one specific person, and what does this motherfucker say to me? Who is he? Seriously. He asked me who. How fucking dense can you be?” Wooyoung huffed, looking to San for support. 

San, to be fair, hadn’t really noticed Wooyoung’s crush on Yeosang either, but he’d only been their friend for about a month. He also had no idea what he was supposed to say to help Wooyoung. Hesitantly, San tried, “Maybe he doesn’t want to assume?”

“assume!” Wooyoung sputtered, startling San as he rolled off the bed into an upright position. “There’s nothing to assume! I can not possibly be clearer with him!”

“I mean, you could just tell him straight up that you like him and want to be his boyfriend.” 

Wooyoung looked at San like he was insane. 

“No. He needs to pull his head out of his ass and make the connection.”

“Wouldn’t it just be easier to tell him?”

Wooyoung sighed. “San, my sweet, angel baby. If I just tell him then that leaves room for rejection. I’d rather he just meet me in the middle. Oh my god wait.”

The ghastly look on Wooyoung’s face concerned San. “Wooyoung?”

“Oh my God, San.” Wooyoung grabbed onto Sans arms and he fought back a flinch. “What if that was him rejecting me? What if he understood what I was saying and just didn’t want to hurt my feelings?” 

“I don’t know, Woo, Yeosang doesn’t really care about sparing feelings, does he?” 

Yeosang was kind of a dick in San’s opinion. 

“No you don’t get it. We’ve been friends for a long time. He’s not an asshole to me.” 

Wooyoung groaned and threw his weight into San, who just awkwardly patted his friends back. He wasn’t sure why Wooyoung had decided he was the one to talk to about this. He’d known the others far longer than he’d known San, so they were probably better equipped to give advice where Wooyoung and Yeosang were concerned. San was not at all prepared to advise his friend. He had never had success with a crush. This was very much not his area. 

Mulling it over for a moment, San came to a new conclusion. “Why don’t you ask Mingi or Jongho for help?”

“Are you kidding?” Wooyoung scoffed. “Those idiots will just make fun of me.”

“Well, they’re in a happy relationship, I think, so they probably know more about this then we do. They also know Yeosang better than I do.” 

Wooyoung considered this. 

“If I tell them then the whole group is going to find out.” 

San pointed out, “won’t they know anyway if you succeeded in asking Yeosang out.” 

“Stop making sense,” Wooyoung pouted. “Fine. I’ll send an SOS to the idiots. If it means I get to be Yeosang’s boyfriend, I guess it’s worth it.”

That was kind of sweet. San couldn’t remember the last time he’d liked someone like that. Actually, he could but he didn’t really want to. 

“Oh God,” Wooyoung groaned. He looked helplessly to San as he said, “The whole group is coming over.” 

“Minus Yeosang?”

“Minus Yeosang,” Wooyoung confirmed. 

San nodded absentmindedly as Wooyoung buried his face in San’s lap. He liked spending time with the group so this was fine. He’d been doing dinner with them once a week and they were trying to convince him to come on Thursdays too, but San didn’t want to cut into too much of his practice time. He was already taking way more breaks than he had been a month ago, and while it hadn’t hurt his work yet, he didn’t want to push it. 

Wooyoung, never one to be quiet for long, began chattering on about his day as they waited for the others to arrive. San did his duty, responding with hums and nods until someone finally knocked on Wooyoung’s door. 

“I’ll get it!” the younger shouted, alerting his roommate across the hall since not everyone was fortunate enough to have a single. 

Wooyoung reappeared a moment later with the five men in tow, plopping himself down on the floor and pouting. 

Various greetings were thrown towards San, but it was Yunho who came to sit beside him, offering a sweet smile and a, “Hey, San.” 

San offered a little wave in response still quite flustered by Yunho’s presence. One would think he’d be used to it by now, the taller boy’s attention, but it still very much caught San off guard every time Yunho chose him over any of his other friends. He’d asked about it once, but all Yunho had told him was that San was more interesting than the people he’d known for years. He liked getting to know new people. Yunho was crazy like that.

San was adjusting to it. He no longer jumped when Yunho relaxed and casually leaned into him. He’d actually started to expect it. Admittedly, San didn’t spend much alone time with anyone other than Wooyoung, but he still felt sort of comfortable in the presence of people like Yunho and Seonghwa. Seonghwa was actually San’s favorite person aside from Wooyoung. The older boy was just so comforting and kind. He made San feel safe which was probably going to come back to bite him at some point, but it was nice for now.

“Okay,” Hongjoong said as Wooyoung finished his complaining. “Yeosang is stupid.”

“That’s what I said!” Wooyoung cried. 

“It’s the most obvious thing in the world,” Jongho chimed in. “I kind of thought you two already were dating.” 

“We might as well be.” 

“Have you tried just confessing like a normal person?” Mingi suggested. “That’s what I did.” 

Jongho snorted. “That’s not what you did.” 

“Babe. Shut up.” 

“No. Don’t play yourself up like you didn’t cry asking me out.” 

Yunho perked up at that. “Woah. Wait. Mingi cried when he asked you out? He didn’t tell me that.” 

Flushing red, Mingi tried to cover Jongho’s mouth. “It’s not really that I cried, I just- ew, Jongho.”

“He cried.” Jongho shoved Mingi away from him. “He was about halfway through his confession when he started crying and I had to sit him down and steal napkins from the nearest bathroom to clean him up.” 

“God damn it,” Mingi sighed, dropping his head into his hands as the others laughed. “I was nervous okay! Also, I’d just watched a really sad movie and I was thinking about what would happen if Jongho died and I never got to confess and I just, I don’t know, got all confused. Stop laughing at me you assholes.” 

San was very distracted by Yunho’s hearty laugh. From what he gathered, Mingi and Yunho were way closer to each other than the group as a whole, so of course, he took great pleasure in the suffering of his best friend. Absently, San noted that Yunho had a very handsome smile. He was one of those people that just, glowed. Of course he was, San thought miserably. Yunho was among the rare breed of good people that just emanated happiness and light and shit that reminded San how depressed he was. How unfortunate.

Jongho, in a rare show of affection, cupped Mingi’s face and planted a kiss on his nose. “It’s okay, you’re my big baby.” 

“Boo. Disgusting,” Wooyoung heckled. “Any other suggestions since that’s clearly not going to work for me.” 

“How do you know? It worked for me,” Mingi joked through his embarrassment. 

“Nah. I’m an ugly crier. Next.” 

Seonghwa, who had yet to input, said, “I stand by just confessing. My last relationship was three years long, happy, and it’s all because he had the balls to walk up and tell me what he was thinking.” 

Wooyoung groaned. “What did he even say?”

“He just said, Hi, you’re in my calc class and I get really distracted staring at you, so I was wondering if you’d want to get dinner and also maybe help me with Calculus since it’s your fault I’m failing.” 

“That’s, kind of cute? I guess,” Yunho mused. “Did you help him with Calculus?” 

“No. We both failed.” 

“Three years for that miserable pick up?” Wooyoung whistled. “You need higher standards hyung.” 

“Shut up. You can’t get a boyfriend at all.” 

Wooyoung winced. “touché. Well. Since we’re sharing confession stories, who’s next? Hongjoong? Yunho?” oh no. oh no no no. “San?” 

“I’m good,” San answered quickly. 

Wooyoung, seeing a story to be dug up, smiled evilly and latched onto the idea. “Aw. C’mon Sannie. You’ve never confessed to someone?” 

“Uh, I mean yes, but it’s not a good story, so you don’t wanna hear it.” 

Please let it go, San prayed. Unfortunately, Wooyoung was Satan, and God was no match. 

“Perfect. They’re giving me unrealistic standards for confessing. Hit me with the reality.” 

Shit. San didn’t know what to say but he couldn’t say nothing. He was suddenly very aware of several people staring at him, and he stumbled his way through a brief explanation. “I just, had a crush on this guy in high school, and he talked to me sometimes so when we had lunch one afternoon, I just told him I liked him, and it was weird.” 

“Weird? Did he reject you?” 

Awkwardly San muttered, “No. He agreed to a date.” 

He glued his eyes to the floor, anxiously picking at his skin as Wooyoung continued to push. 

“So, wait, he didn’t reject you? I thought he rejected you. You made it sound like this went bad.” 

“It did.” San resolved himself to the fact that he’d have to elaborate on a story he wasn’t fond of just to shut Wooyoung up. “He picked me up for dinner but it turns out he just wanted sex, so we didn’t even end up getting dinner, he just, uh, kind of pressured me into giving him a blowjob and left.” 

San didn’t look up to see the reaction of his friends. He wasn’t proud of having blown a stranger just because he was the first boy to agree to date him, but at the time he’d been sad enough, and lonely enough, that it hadn’t taken much pushing to get him on his knees. It was certainly embarrassing, and he’d paid for it when the boy spread an awful nickname about him that followed San to graduation. They didn’t need to know that part though. 

“That’s fucked up, San.”

He winced at the sound of Yunho’s voice. He sounded sad, but maybe San was just hearing what he wanted to hear. It’s not like he was a victim there, or anything. He should’ve been smarter. He could’ve gotten out of the car and walked home if he really didn’t want to. 

“Yeah,” he laughed awkwardly. “Not a fun story, sorry.” God was it just him, or was the atmosphere suddenly very heavy. San really wished he didn’t speak sometimes. “Sorry,” he muttered again, shooting to his feet, “I, uh, I have to get to the studios.” 

“Wait, San, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” Wooyoung latched onto his ankle, stopping San from leaving. “I shouldn’t have pushed you to talk when you were clearly not open to it. You don’t have to leave, I won’t do it again.”

Oh. Wooyoung thought he was upset with him. He wasn’t, San just didn’t like the suffocating awkwardness that followed his confession and wanted to retreat to his safe space. The practice studios. 

“It’s fine Woo. I have a project coming up, I should get the hours in. Good luck with Yeosang,” he rushed out before anyone else could stop him. 

San cringed once he was out of sight knowing full well they were going to talk about him now. Why did he always have to say weird shit that made people uncomfortable? It was like every time he opened his mouth something stupid came out and people didn’t know how to respond. God, San hated himself for that. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he almost ran straight into Yeosang who was walking up the stairs. 

Just barely missing impact, San was quick to blurt out, “I’m sorry.” He was too anxious to say anything else, hands now shaking the more he overthought his interactions. 

Yeosang noticed it, he could tell. Part of what made San so uncomfortable about Yeosang was that he noticed everything. He didn’t mention it though. He just said, “It’s fine. You coming from Wooyoung’s?”

San nodded. It occurred to him then that if Yeosang walked up now, he’d find the whole group gathered without him. Panicking even more now, San tried to think of something to say that would keep Yeosang away. 

“They’re all in there, aren’t they?” Yeosang sighed. “You can calm down. I have Seonghwa’s location updates on my phone. I know they’re there. I know they’re probably talking about me.” 

San wasn’t sure what to say, but he tried an unconvincing, “Not exactly about you.” 

“San. Wooyoung tried to ask me out. I turned him down. I’m not stupid, I know they’re talking about me.” 

“Oh,” San said dumbly. “So you did turn him down?” 

“Yeah. I...” Yeosang trailed off with a grimace. 

San figured he’d already embarrassed himself today, why not make it worse. He asked, “Why?” 

Yeosang heaved a heavy sigh, shrugging. “I guess I just know that he can do better, you know?”

“What?” 

Was that insecurity? From Yeosang? One of the single most attractive people San had ever seen?

“He can do better,” Yeosang repeated, looking awkward for possibly the first time in his life. “Don’t tell me you can’t tell I’m an asshole. Wooyoung’s probably the only idiot in the world who doesn’t think so.” 

San frowned, quickly denying this. “You have at least five other people who value you, Yeosang. I mean, I’m not going to lie, I do kind of think you’re a dick, but I also don’t really know you. Wooyoung does know you, though. He knows you and he really likes you and he called the group in just to help him figure out how to tell you. The people who know you, love you, Yeosang. You should know that.” 

Yeosang just stared at him for a moment, clearly not expecting that. After a moment he hesitantly said, “thanks, San.” 

San wasn’t sure whether or not he’d helped or if he just made things weirder, but he knew that he wanted to be anywhere but here now. He offered Yeosang a nod and simply said, “I have to get to the practice rooms,” before turning and darting down the stairs as fast as he could without tripping. 

This had been a weird day. San was having a weird day, and he was going to work all this nervous energy out by destroying his body in the studios all night. He turned his phone off with every intention of pushing to the point of self detriment and not giving anyone the chance to stop him. That’s just how San was. Anxious, and sad, and ready to pour all of that into dancing until the only pain he felt was physical.


End file.
